Thou shalt not wear socks
There is a collective national problem: how to not let dress sense melt in the heat. It is quite understandable given the limited days of sunshine it gets a year. But whilst the English are not expected to set the international standard for shorts wearing (that was lost along with the Empire), they shouldn't be relieved of all obligation to consider issues such as style, proportion or coordination.
And if you have no interest in fashion whatsoever, this should apply to your mating instincts. Men, in case you are wondering why, come summer, women find it particularly hard to take you seriously, look no further than your Scoutmaster shorts. Women, if you are wondering why you haven't met his family yet, your Ann Summers corset tops may play a part, save them for indoors.
So in the interests of summer lovin' a few tips on what to wear so if not to attract, you cease to repel, the opposite sex in heat, sorry in the heat.
Take One. 'You Jane, Me Tarzan' meets London's urban jungle:
Shorts Jane, shorter is usually better. Even if our legs are more Jade Goody than Kate Moss. Diesel hot pants are all the rage (£90), found in the huge, new flagship store at 130 Bond Street, W1 (http://www.diesel.com). Tarzan, 3/4 length must be avoided at all cost (the 90s still has that to answer for.) Same goes for sports shorts. They are vulgar unless actually doing sport. And combat shorts with bulging pockets are starting to look dated. Shorts have gone the way of the rest of fashion - tailored and smart.
Sandals. Jane, almost anything goes. Except Teva's, why? How many puddles did you wade through today? Tarzan, sandals are the Menaissance (see yesterday) kiss of death. What sort of hunting, gathering, chasing, or fighting can be down with exposed feet? And flip flops you dare ask? They turn your already crusty feet black. What woman will let that into bed? So, we don't even need to broach socks, sandals are over. (Still need proof? check out www.sandalandsoxer.co.uk). But, if you absolutely must, the new Wish Cast model (£39.99)from Clarks (www.clarks.co.uk) with closed toes is borderline acceptable.
Tops. Jane, do we need the Suffolk police to remind us that white shirts = nude bra? And if you still can't conceal those bra straps, try www.straptamers.com. Because we are not male peacocks. Only you should know the colour of your bra. Tarzan, resist pictures of naked women on t-shirts. Makes us think you still read cartoons. Never a turn on. But, still marginally better than nothing. Shirts ON, please. There is only one real jungle boy.