Thursday, October 04, 2007

Universal guy truths

After a few gossipy posts of late, I had every intention of raising standards today. Until I woke up feeling like Amy Winehouse minus the talented genius bit. So I am afraid as a casualty of last night's Shiraz session, the bar (in the metaphorical sense) is going to be lowered even further by perhaps one of the most laughable things I have read in a long time: an on-line article from Men's Health entitled: "50 Things Men Wish You Knew."

If it weren't for my fuzzy head, I would have been inclined to copy and past the entire freaking thing here and rip it apart, item by item. However, I won't do that to you. (Funny how hangovers are a shortcut to efficiency). Rather, I shall share with you only the top 5 "universal guy truths" that "all women should understand":

22. When you get angry over some stupid little pointless thing, I question your intelligence. And when you get all pissed off and cry after your team loses, I question your intelligence.

34. Being good in bed means a) enthusiasm; b) a sense of humor; and sometimes c) patience. So have enthusiasm ("OhMiGod! I can't WAIT to have sex with you!!!"), have a sense of humor, ("OhMiGod! Wasn't it soooo funny when you farted during foreplay"), and have patience. (aka Don't put too much pressure on him if he turns out to be crap in bed. Just wait it out.)

8. No question need ever be asked through a closed bathroom door if I'm inside. I love you less with each syllable you utter. Right. Never talk to a man when he's in the toilet. It's his quiet time and he needs to be alone. In silence...or else he'll get so annoyed he'll love me less. Got it.

30. Spring means baseball and skirts. Doesn't need to be a mini-skirt; it's been a long winter. I'm so sorry you've had to look at me in jeans all this time. I probably should have just sucked it up and wore a skirt during that blizzard.


39. Sure, men stereotypically like to solve a woman's problems. But a woman who solves her own while we watch? Instant erection.What more motivation do I need to solve my own problems than knowing it turns you on?! Perfect!

12 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

OHMYGOD this is the most hilarious post! My side is actually splitting. Bless Men's Health and City Slicker!

4:26 pm  
Anonymous Bobby said...

Ha Ha very good CS. Us poor blokes paying out dosh for such tripe in the rags.

4:51 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do men actually believe this?

5:12 pm  
Blogger Habibi said...

You know, all this urban legendas about what men and women like and think are bullshit.
Things could be easier.
I wonder if the editor of Men's Health is telling his wife "Did you read the joke I published about the '50 things'?". I hope this was a joke, at leat it made me laugh.

11:28 pm  
Blogger Shep said...

NEVER conduct a conversation with me during my quiet time.

This is true. Love does not mean listening to a loved one shitting. Even if you're David Byrne (allegedly).

Men's Health rocks.

11:50 pm  
Anonymous Stu said...

Shep--What is that with David Byrne? From the sounds of it I would be inclined to agree...

10:59 am  
Blogger Shep said...

Oh it's the old urban myth about David Byrne being into copraphilia...although you can substitute his name for god knows how many others (Bob Geldof? Sienna Miller?)

6:22 am  
Blogger asym42 said...

Men's Health? Isn't that the one that constantly features articles on how to lose the beer belly? And on the cover, there is always a half naked, very fit man with no beer belly. What does this tell us about the magazine's readers?

1) Many of them are gay.
2) Many of them are very unfit, with huge, wobbling beer bellies.
3) Some of them are gay, with beer bellies.

I think the magazine should be renamed to "Men's Bottoms" and have done with it.

9:07 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

men's health do list like this, cosmo does lists about men, it's all bit blah, blah, just laughing at sterotypes about the other sex.
Just provides we like reading about each other and fills magazine space...not too much to get worked up about really

1:14 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This site is a must-read for all the information you want on men's health.

7:11 am  
Anonymous James said...

This site is your best source of information on men's issues including tips, discussions and resources. Happy searching.

10:16 am  
Blogger đkm said...

Microlon

Walk-in cooler panelsthere is always a half naked, very fit man with no beer belly. What does this tell us about the magazine's readers?

1) Many of them are gay.
2) M

6:08 pm  

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