Monday, November 05, 2007

Trash in bed?

As a frequent sufferer of insomnia I allow myself the odd trashy celeb magazine purchase. In an effort to stimulate seratonin production some people opt for hot milk or a hot bath while others avoid alcohol. For me there is something about paparazzi snaps of Amy Winehouse running through the streets of London in her tattered pink ballerina slippers, dripping Rimmel liquid eyeliner and blood everywhere that I find soothing.

Soothing, that is, until I opened up Elle magazine the other night to read a writer's account of being sent on assignment to Africa with Bill Clinton. Somehow she managed to stop drooling and quivering to type up her story for the December issue. And whilst she doesn't want you to think that she fancies the pants off him or anything ("The va-va-voom of Clinton's touch has dissipated in the years since I first met him. He appears older than his years. And he knows it.") but the poor woman just can't help herself and blurts out, "He seemed to pulse with pheromones, and a moment's eye contact had been a sexually discombobulating experience." But OH. It gets better. This writer should seriously rethink her career; she'd make a great Mills & Boon novelist.

"At every hotel and every restaurant and on every tarmac, he pauses to press the flesh, and there's always so much to press...His intellectual and humanistic appetites remain voracious, and when his gaze sweeps the dinner table and catches you, you feel as if you have been X-rayed by the eye of Sauron, the flabbiness of your own cerebrum exposed."

Do you feel really heady and uncomfortable, too? Like, you just read someone's explicit diary entry about how they've got a feverish crush on your close friend's father? Yeah...me too. So much for the trash in bed theory. Tonight it's The Economist.

19 Comments:

Anonymous Stephenson said...

I would do Bill. He is still so hot. Age aside let's be honest.

5:09 pm  
Blogger China Blue said...

Bleurgh.

It's equally nauseating when male writers get all a-froth over him, too. Makes you wonder how they can tweak their nipples and type copy at the same time, must require some dexterity...?

5:31 pm  
Anonymous Charlie said...

Bill is at the top of to-do list. Damn I would even let Al Gore evne for a threesome. With those two I would be a Winner for Life.

5:35 pm  
Anonymous Drogba said...

Reality check, ladies: Bill may be brilliant and confident and, therefore, charismatic. But he is NOT handsome. And his womanizing, and that flabby, pasty chest you see in the pic above, and his bulbous Rudolph nose all place him in the unfuckable category.

Hiya CS! Keep writing sugar!

5:36 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Lord, grant me the erotic power that Bill Clinton has in his mere pinkie finger and I shall serve thou (and...my sexual appetite) the rest of my days.

5:36 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

mmm, bubba. i'd still do him. it's almost universal-- i once got the wife of an execrable republican poobah to (drunkenly) admit the same.

5:41 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A very interesting set of comments. With the exception of China Blue, all of you should consider TV writing if the Writers Guild strike carries over past Christmas.

Not much appetite for lunch (or dinner) after reading those posts!

6:02 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree. How did Slicker's post elicit a chain of homo-erotic responses?

Think she was saying it was sickey not sexy!

6:06 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

these commenst are hilarious

who are all you freaks

6:39 pm  
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