Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Pick a fight day

I read Grazia magazine. There, I have said it. And whilst this is not an habitual occurrence it does correlate with stress, the more of the latter, the more frequent the former. And so it was, as I toddled along to the Tube last night in search of vacuous escapism, I turned to this week's copy. And whilst any (regular) reader will know, the 'quality' varies week to week (men stop snickering, we know you snag it from our bag whence given the chance), this week's tripe was the epitome of silly season insult.

Even for Grazia, a nadir had been reached. Four out of the top 10 stories that they deemed 'are bothering us this week' concerned Hollywood couples on the brink: from Bradgelina breakdown, to Ritchie-Madge meltdown, to surly Liz Hurley, it was only fitting that Grant and Kahn be deemed a world con. And this would all be celebrity fitting, if today wasn't 30th August, the one day of the year when us mortals are also most likely (or at least have a 'scientific' excuse) to fall out.

That's right, Paula Hall, sexual and relationship psychotherapist, (a profession self-declared by most of us after a glass too many) has a theory that post-holiday blues combined with the end of the summer and no more bank holidays until Christmas conspire together to make 30th August, 'Pick a Fight Day', as tensions percolate and (apparently) serve to damage the well-being of many relationships. Dr. Hall says her argument can be explained by a simple equation: Post-Holiday Depression + Financial Strains - Lack of Light/Domestic Chaos = Relationship Stress.

Sounds pretty reasonable to us. And for once, the outlined condition is not left just afflicting us plebs. Rather, the asinine pipings from the celeb relationship circuit actually give us a reason to smirk glibly, despite the core of jealousy induced by three wrinkle-free Charlie's Angels. But when has the media ever given us a complete reprieve? And in order of nausea inducement, we have:

Angelina: "The fight was over how Brad behaves when he is away-running around, drinking and smoking." Surely, to a woman infamous for carrying a vial of her ex's (Billy Bob Thornton) blood around her neck, a few fags and a whiskey can't be that usurious?

Madonna: "Our new regime involves cutting down the time he spends on PlayStation and listening to me talk about my career for 30 minutes a week. We are also scheduling time for sex three times a week. " Madge darling, we know you hate to look your age, but couldn't you at least find a man that acts his? And PlayStation never doth equal sex, Like a Virgin should even know that much.

Liz: "I am planning 10 outfits for my wedding party so I can literally change morning, noon, and night." Translation: In case anybody were to forget it's all about me, me, me. Oh and Hugh too, sorry I mean, and You too.

Jemima: "The more vacations we have, the stronger our relationship remains. When we stay at home we just don't get along " Amen, sister. We just hope you don't run out of places to go.

So there we have it, Dr. Hall, you (with the help of Grazia) have inadvertedly supplied us with an equation to inverse relationship happiness. Or just a shameless bout of schadenfreude. Either way, we won't fight over it, if just for today.

But if you are still left wanting more farcical laughs at the expense of others, head to:

Shakespeare's Globe, the reconstruction of the famed open-roofed theatre, to watch The Comedy of Errors. It's a slapstick, highly farcical plot that should, if nothing else, make the trials and tribulations of Grazia look even more a tragedy.

Best value (and atmosphere) are the £5 standing/yard seats which you can usually buy on the day. But beware: it's real theatre not the disneyfied version more usually found on the forecourts of Las Vegas casinos. It's not a tourist spectacle, you'll annoy other theatre-goers if you just use it as an easy way to see the interior: go on a guided tour instead.

And for any women interested to know why mustard yellow jumpers and leggings are the fashion rage this season. A few of the costumes should give you a hint. Until 7th October.
020 7401 9919


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahhhhh that explains why I nearly ran my wife over this morning with my scooter and told my two employees that they were useless, IQ impaired trolls. Know I feel much better CS. Why cant we self select this holiday like a birthday?

6:10 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Convincing. Isn't there some similar theory about the New Year? So unless you're Jemima Khan, spend 30 August and 2 January under the duvet, in silence ...

6:21 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Definitely convincing. Can I use this excuse all week? Surely it cannot just apply to today? My conditions will not change by Friday on any parts of that equation. Strange how the light of day fits in just when the nights are drawing in. Like it!

6:50 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:50 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We all read Grazia CS no need to hang yuor head in shame. Rarely a month goes by where my girlfriend doesn't find me snooping through it. We do it to better understand your species. It is like animal training remember?

7:18 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well that at least gives my partner an excuse for one day of stinky behaviour. Any guidance on the other 364 CS ?

7:27 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Max I think the date you are referring to is actually well after New Years the 23rd of Jan or something. This one is interesting though because as it is summer no one who guess that we are all repressing such feelings. And as for Grazia, I must confess I read it too every now and again. What is Hugh doing with miserable Jemima. I guess she is younger and slightly less miserable than Hurley?

9:44 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And a bit of cattiness here but how bad has that Jemima chick aged? I mean with all her money and that as they say but for real. Not that Clarins has done me particularly well these past few years bit I am 36 not 32. I personally think Hugh needs to come out but anyway there are other things to worry about.

10:23 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am having trouble believing a woman devised this formula. To my knowledge women pick a fight day is 365 not 364 or 1 for that matter. They obviously had an advance copy of this equation.

10:58 pm  
Blogger City Slicker said...

Max - you are right and nearly there on the date. To be exact: The “most depressing day of the year,” is 24 January.

Dr. Cliff Arnall's, who specializes in seasonal disorders at the University of Cardiff, Wales, created a formula that takes into account numerous feelings to devise peoples' lowest point.

The model is: [W + (D-d)] x TQ
M x NA

The equation is broken down into seven variables: (W) weather, (D) debt, (d) monthly salary, (T) time since Christmas, (Q) time since failed quit attempt, (M) low motivational levels and (NA) the need to take action.

Something to look forward to after today for some of us, I guess?

11:32 pm  
Blogger Will said...

but that assumes that everyone loves christmas?

I'd bet that the staff of the Christmas Shop in Hays Galleria are well sick of it.

It was looking like the missus and I were going to embark on a blazing row today, but I managed to dodge the situation by vacating the premises and hitting the Metro bar.

Hey, CS, how come there are no reviews/features on London's vibrant music scene? Small/unsigned bands to watch, where to see new talent - being a big time music lover I reckon you can't be in London without checking out some of the up and coming bands we've got. I'd be happy to submit some content to you, that's if my 100 illiterate monkeys writing style won't drag down the quality too much...

ps. tonight it was Fleeing New York. They've got a MySpace (hey, who doesn't) but actually played a cracking, crowd rollicking set in the dungeon that is Metro on Tottenham Court Road. Rock on I say...

4:25 am  
Blogger City Slicker said...

Hey Will, well caught out. I have been a bit remiss on the music front. Does the Eurovision singing contest at gay bar, Retro, the last Thursday of every month count? Probably not. I will rectify it at the weekend. Sadly I have been too consumed with my new Good Times CD- the guys from the Notting Hill Carnival. First time I ever seen them come out with anything.
But, sorry for changing the subject. Watch this space.

7:51 am  
Blogger City Slicker said...

And yes Will, am always grateful for any suggestions, especially from music gurus. Bring 'em on

9:27 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Goot Times is indeed a great cd was so happy to see them release it this year. Has anyone heard/get into Silhouette Market. Like Artic Monkeys but more dancey and catchy.

10:35 am  
Blogger Shep said...

no more bank holidays + non-stop work until xmas + partner back to term time & too busy to have sex - still warm enough sea to be be surfing - new season of US TV shows - xmas soon (Shep does little dance of joy)...

It seems to be evening itself out on either side...Hmmm...

(I have a brick at the Globe with my name on it. Just one mind.)

10:47 am  
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