Thursday, August 31, 2006

Sluber (noun.)

2,000 people voted London's public transport system the best in the world, according to a survey released this week. And whilst I am no survey methodologist, I can't help the words skewed and sample from coming to mind. Particularly given that London was also voted 'the most overpriced system in the world' by the same Trip Advisor study. Think me the TopShop bargain dependent that I am, but since when did being ripped off equate with award winning? Okay, point taken, but this is about London's transport not restaurants. And most of us still respect Gordon Ramsey for being feisty if nothing else, as no doubt so will New Yorkers when he soon opens in Hell's Kitchen.

And I am not here to present an even more skewed and smaller opinion sample, by sharing with you my personal thoughts (not that statistically less significant than taking 2,000 from the world population of travellers, now that I think about it) on the Northern line, the No.16 bus, or the tram to Croydon. But, what I will try and do, is add an insider's context to what the world, post this week's London public relations love-in, must view as a glamorous network of privileged users enjoying the most fantastical transport system in the world. Remember, we are still talking about Transport for London here not Battlestar Galactica.

And like any self-declared (aka rogue) insider's perspective, I will use its umbrella of supposed public edification to get away with charges normally deemed irreverent or insensitive. Which leads me to the question of 'most annoying type of tube traveller?' To which the answer is (as defined here for the first time) a:

Sluber(n). Refers to anyone who is a slow tube walker. Slubers can be male or female, tourist or commuter, ipod-er or reader. They all tend to obey basic Tube Etiquette : they stand clear of closing doors; they don't look or speak to anyone, ever; and they even obediently stand to the right on escalators, the most egregious of all to ever forsake. But herein lays the barb: the obedience factor.

This is the London Underground, a cavernous cesspool beyond the circles of Dante's Inferno, which provides one purpose and is irregular at that: the movement of us, indentured spy ring facilitators (sorry, I meant users, but what do you really think the Oyster card tracking system is for?) from place A to place B. So why slubers, do you stand there still as at razor edge, and voluntarily extend your sentence? Is it a form of sadomasochism? In which case, let me recommend Man Bar.

Barring the always excused -ill, old, injured, disabled, and pregnant (not to be confused with mis-shaped A-line dress wearers); slubers have to be the most brazen proponents of shameless laziness. Their passive acceptance, as writ by their apathetic expressions, of time passing; and in this particular scenario of mind numbingly slow escalator speed, eats away at the very core of Type A, restlessness. 'How can they just stand there 'slubing' it, letting the world take its own course', we ask. After all, there are Caffe Nero queues to get incensed by just beyond the ticket barriers.

But, like everything else in life post-Joseph Heller, it would become a self-defeating course of action if we were all anti-slubbers on the left. So with all due respect for any normal people left out there using London transport, here is a song for you:

"I'm so scared in case I fall off my step,
And I'm wondering how I'll get up the rest,
Neurotics to the left of me,
Slubers to the right, here I am
Stuck in the Tube with you"

And for perhaps the best thing to ever come out of the London Underground:

check out the "irreverent and informative must-read for everybody, not just subterranean commuters" award-winning London Underground Tube Blog.

20 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Slubers I like it. Cant you get t-shirts made up for us left side people. It could be all the rage. A proud way of displaying your ambitious tendencies. I can see it now. C'mon CS get commercial on us

6:12 pm  
Anonymous Samson said...

Anyway as I see it Slubers are far better than the obese people who can't fit through the ticket barrier to begin with or sit on a normal sized chair. Or the people who obviously dont bathe and the list goes on. I guess I am a Sluber. I dont walk up because I am not usually in a rush to get rushed on the streets. And it makes me all out of breathe which makes me feel bad about my fitness. So no point really. I will stay slubbing...

6:16 pm  
Anonymous Ellen said...

Have you ever tried walking in heels up or down a London escalator CS? Very dangerous. I would rather stand on the right and slub out than have to bring in flats or dreded trainers to change into.

6:30 pm  
Blogger Shep said...

Picture the scene: Tuesday. I leave Stamford Bridge tube at 2.36pm, thinking my train back to Quiet Devon leaves Paddington at 3.30pmish. So that's about right - an hour to get there. No problem.

Looking at my train ticket as we pull out I see I have been a complete Joey. The train leaves at 3.05pm.

I think that there's no way I'll make it there in half an hour. I have to change tube trains too - I briefly flirt with the idea of doing the Hammersmith & City line, before realising this involves leaving Hammersmith station District line bit, running across the street, and re-entering the right line. Instead I go to Earls Court and have to wait for an Edgware Road train. Which of course doesn't come as often as the others.

Whilst waiting and sweating, I transfer everything (keys, lovely new phone, Zen Music thingy) into my bag so that it won't fall out as I superhumanly leg it through the underground. The Edgware Road train stops for an impossibly long time at each station - it even does the slow down halfway there...then speed up thing that's very annoying when you need it to be Faaaaaaast.

Once at Paddington, of course you have to go from the tube bit to the rail bit. And find the right platform.

I made it, of course. Just like in the movies...the guard was blowing his whistle as I pelted up the platform and flung myself in through a swinging door.

What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, 'Slubers'. Hmmm. I don't remember seeing any - it was all a blur to be honest...

6:38 pm  
Anonymous Ella said...

Going to sing the Sluber song tonight at the top of my lungs. Should insure both right and left columns move fast. Shep the Edgware Road line is death line how did you ever make it? Are u writing from the train?

6:56 pm  
Blogger Shep said...

No, El - safely in Quiet Devon where they mistrust those large iron beasts that move without a man sat astride them...

The amusing post-credit sequence of my little action film had me finding my seat and flopping down, sweating like a pig and gasping for breath, swearing at my own stupidity. Then looking up to see the immensely attractive girl in the opposite seat, looking at me with the distain I'm sure she usually reserves only to things she's trodden in.

I can certainly make an impression, eh?

7:01 pm  
Blogger ems said...

Like the post.

As much as it pains me to say it, I think the Paris metro is far superior to our underground system. The trains are cheaper, more regular and run later.

I do walk up on the left nine times out of ten - this is an attempt at exercise. I'm too lazy to do much else other than walk.

7:03 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

CS, I must admit I slubed it this morning. But I am hungover and oh the head the head is banging so walking would definitely have been a challenge. And after reading this yesterday I did notice the many slubers about. No wonder we are all so fat

10:05 am  
Blogger Moaner Lisa said...

Slubers don't stop being annoying when they get out of the tube either. Once they emerge into daylight they become veerers, wanderers and drifters on the pavement, slowing all of us down.

We need pavement licenses. Pedestrians, like drivers, should have to prove their ability to navigate thoroughfares without causing an obstruction to others.

Those slubers that waddle excessively from side to side making overtaking impossible or are just unable to focus on the almighty effort of going forward and repeatidly grind to a near halt will be denied a walking permit and only be allowed to use the pavement after 9.30am.

Great moan CS - gold star for that one!

11:50 am  
Blogger Annie Mole said...

Nice one Ms Slicker and thanks for the plug or for using the blog's Eyeore picture - Eyeore epitomises Slubing - slow and steady.

I'm not a sluber and I agree with Moaner Lisa about them not being any different when they emerge from he subterranean world. I like the idea of people getting licences before they are allowed to travel on the Tube - it would save a HUGE amount of hassle ;-)

6:11 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I slubed it tonight. But there was signal failure at Wembeley Park so I was caught underground on the Northern line for 40 minutes. Now I feel guilty.

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