Reality bites

We have decided that today, this weekend, and the rest of 2006 for that matter, is all about keeping it real. Denial is so passé, harmless or otherwise, and who has the time to keep up pretences anyway?

Just look around, reality is biting everywhere. The on-trend oversized sunglasses we financed, will be decidedly off-trend by when the need to wear them returns. The bar bill damage tallied in euros on holiday, arrived with a sting when converted to pounds by Mastercard. And the vow to never picture or promote Paris Hilton, was easily broken once a parody of reality was sought.

So in the spirit of keeping things real, I won't digress as to why I find Scarlett Johansson's open-mouthed, vacant stare offensive; but instead will lead us straight into the 5th edition of City Slicker's 'Week's Action, Weekend Reaction."

1) Unimpressed by the couched paranoia in recent Home Office alarms over the number of Eastern Europeans in the UK? React by learning more about the real Motherland and take in the production of Techniques of Breathing in an Airlocked Space, the English-language premiere of the award-winning Russian play about the crazy state of contemporary Russia and how people survive in stifling situations. Or if you can't be bovvered going out, stay in with the DVD Black Cat, White Cat. Belgrade-born Director, Emir Kusturica, is legendary for twisted plots, eccentric characters, slapstick comedy, and Eastern European stereotypes. A far more realistic portrayal, than any Daily Mail scaremongering.

2) Annoyed by Rooney's Colleen (privately known as Roo's Coo) patronising WAG finger waving that we, the nation of debt-ridden shopaholics, should 'get a grip, forget Prada and try Primark'? React by finding the real deal at a real deal and head to the secret sample sale at the Old Truman Brewery, Brick Lane, E1. With Missoni at George at Asda prices, Colleen should learn to keep shtum and let Rooney deliver the punches. Sale from today to Sunday (12:30-8PM).

3) Smitten by Almodovar's portayal of Spain in Volver? Viva la fortuna! React by heading to the themed "A Walk Through Spain"Regent Street Festival this Sunday. The street will be pedestrianised and turned over to Spanish food, wine, fashion shows, horses, and a rumoured Catalan human tower involving 300 men. Which if you have ever spent a night at the London, gay male gyrating machine, Shadow Lounge, should seem rather realistic.