What makes women happy?
And if you happen to listen to anyone or read anything these days, it would lead you to believe that, loaded (the word, not us, for once they aren't referring to our capacity for binge drinking) or not, we are fast becoming a herd of miserable, sterile, deplorable heifer-less cows. Just this week the media bonanza surrounding Fay Weldon's new book, What Makes Women Happy, has been imploring women to fake orgasms and patronise men with "wow honey, you are so clever" ego massages afterwards in order to please "the otherwise insecure daddy" (ok, maybe I added that last bit). And why you ask? Because Weldon surmises women should simply accept that they are less capable of being happy than men.
And just like any wholesale assault there have to be losers and even bigger losers, the latter of which according to Weldon's 'enlightened' worldview are the selfish banditry known as 'career women'. Whatever you do ladies don't try and climb the careerist greasy pole because you may just prove your independence and intellectual vigour. And that we have been told sends out a noxious odour to the male of the species.
Just ask Michael Noer, the news editor of Forbes.com, who has caused recent furor on both sides of the Atlantic last week for advising men to "marry pretty or ugly ones, short ones or tall ones, blondes or brunettes, just, whatever you do, don't marry a woman with a career." Why such blatant bimbo pimping you ask? Because men," the more successful a woman is, the more likely she is to grow dissatisfied with you." And therein, I am afraid, lies the real unhappiness afflicting modern women: boring men.
But who says we have to accept this as our Lot (remember what happened to his wife?), or risk a life of (gasp!) happiness? Thankfully news today tells us that we may be best to freeze our eggs anyway. Just don't wait too long for your clever rockstar to appear, for recent evidence tells us that men over 40 (Cruise is 44) start also hearing those voices (I mean noises) from the tick tock atomic clock. All of which just renders little Suri's conception all the less 'scientific'.
For what is really making me happy (when it's not making me cry):
Snow Patrol's song, "You Could Be Happy," off their new album Eyes Open.
You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do
More than anything I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world