Thursday, September 07, 2006

What makes women happy?

Babies. Now I am no expert on the subject, but do we not think that Suri Cruise looks older than four months and bears a striking resemblance to Holmes's ex Chris Klein? Would this not explain the miraculous pregnancy (Mimi Rogers told us years ago that Tom Cruise is an impotent monk), the shotgun wedding, the secret birth, and the general eerie feeling when looking at the photos from this month's Vanity Fair? But then again do we really care, so long as Katie is 'happy' - the most loaded word available to describe the modern woman.

And if you happen to listen to anyone or read anything these days, it would lead you to believe that, loaded (the word, not us, for once they aren't referring to our capacity for binge drinking) or not, we are fast becoming a herd of miserable, sterile, deplorable heifer-less cows. Just this week the media bonanza surrounding Fay Weldon's new book, What Makes Women Happy, has been imploring women to fake orgasms and patronise men with "wow honey, you are so clever" ego massages afterwards in order to please "the otherwise insecure daddy" (ok, maybe I added that last bit). And why you ask? Because Weldon surmises women should simply accept that they are less capable of being happy than men.

And just like any wholesale assault there have to be losers and even bigger losers, the latter of which according to Weldon's 'enlightened' worldview are the selfish banditry known as 'career women'. Whatever you do ladies don't try and climb the careerist greasy pole because you may just prove your independence and intellectual vigour. And that we have been told sends out a noxious odour to the male of the species.

Just ask Michael Noer, the news editor of, who has caused recent furor on both sides of the Atlantic last week for advising men to "marry pretty or ugly ones, short ones or tall ones, blondes or brunettes, just, whatever you do, don't marry a woman with a career." Why such blatant bimbo pimping you ask? Because men," the more successful a woman is, the more likely she is to grow dissatisfied with you." And therein, I am afraid, lies the real unhappiness afflicting modern women: boring men.

But who says we have to accept this as our Lot (remember what happened to his wife?), or risk a life of (gasp!) happiness? Thankfully news today tells us that we may be best to freeze our eggs anyway. Just don't wait too long for your clever rockstar to appear, for recent evidence tells us that men over 40 (Cruise is 44) start also hearing those voices (I mean noises) from the tick tock atomic clock. All of which just renders little Suri's conception all the less 'scientific'.

For what is really making me happy (when it's not making me cry):

Snow Patrol's song, "You Could Be Happy," off their new album Eyes Open.

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do
More than anything I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world


Anonymous max said...

On the BBC story, Josephine Quintavalle, of the group Comment on Reproductive Ethics, says:

'We should stop finding these absurd solutions for society's problems. I would dispute that we can't change society, and we shouldn't be coming up with these extreme ways of fixing problems in the future.'

How is freezing eggs 'extreme'? What's the alternative? Making men less boring? Sending career women back to the kitchen?

Returning society to the 50s feels a bit like changing a light bulb by turning the house round, no?

1:23 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have struggled for four years to get pregnant and am awaiting results from my long sought after NHS IVF treatment and women like yourself City Slicker who go on saying wait wait wait dont settle have no idea what it is like to find out one day that you actually may not get a child anyway.

So my advice is freeze or dont freeze but be sure to find out before you are 30 if you are fertile or not!

You may just eat your feminist words!

1:28 pm  
Anonymous Tom said...

Your blog is what makes me happy City Slicker. But I a man and boring so dont go too far with that advertisement.

Song lyrics chocking me up. Saddest break up lyrics since well something Cher the gay diva wrote.

We are boring and this whole freezing thing frankly scares the crap out of most of us but until they find a suitable receptacle for our wastage we still have a role.

Lesbian mutiny I say :-)

1:48 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Noxious odour to the male of the species - absolutely not. On behalf of mankind may I suggest that the opposite infact applies. There is nothing more unattractive than a woman without ambition , passion or drive in their life.

However why is it the case that whenever this topic arises people decide that it is trade off time. That to be in a relationship is a sign of you giving everything up and sacrificing your future dreams and that to pursue your life without a partner leaves you as a miserable, sterile, deplorable cow or bull.

May I suggest we give up this stereotypical approach to relationships, stop bowing to the pressures that people say we should adhere to and just put your balls on the line and do whatever suits you.

2:01 pm  
Anonymous Claire said...

City Slicker I fear today is a day for many "anonymous" comments :-)

2:03 pm  
Blogger Moaner Lisa said...


You are right, 'happy' is a loaded word. As you might be able to guess, it's use can make me squirm.

When did 'being happy' became a widely held goal for our existence, instead of survival or fulfillment through completion of social objections? Quite recently in human existence I guess.

And where it has got us I don't know. But I do think that its quite easy to explain why men are happier than men. Our levels of happiness are determined by how close we come to achieving our expectations of how we thought we would be and feel now. The bigger the gap between expectations and reality, the sadder we are.

Now here is the trick for men: they don't have expectations. They don't day dream about their life ahead and they never make any long-term plans. Ask a man what his life will be like in five years: stupid ones say they don't know; smarter ones realise that they are supposed to have thought about it and try to make something up on the hoof.

Without expectations, it's hard to be disappointed.

Thing is, I don't know whether to pity or envy them.

2:06 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What Michael Noer is after is simply called "The Easy Life." Less ambition = less hassle.

Sorry but true and these self righteous comments from men that deep down they want a complicated woman are all fiction.

3:03 pm  
Anonymous Kim said...

Is it me or does the kid look like a young female Keanu Reeves? That is all..... Perhaps this is a scientology-induced plot of churning out kids that look like little "Matrix" kids in order to conquer the last children of Zion.. Damn You L Ron Hubbard... Daaaammmmnnnn Youuuuuuu!!!

3:31 pm  
Anonymous dawnbysea said...

Definitely NOT scientific City Slicker. Like the pun. Conspiracists are saying that pictures published of Suri Cruise prove that she is not Tom Cruise's baby because she has a 'distinctly Asian' look. They also claim there were 2 babies used.

3:33 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why on earth did they wait so long to show pictures of this child?? They had me thinking it was just one of those robot babies they use on ER!

3:34 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Suri, This is it? This is what your father, hence forth known as "sperm donor", Tom Cruise has kept under wraps for the last 4 months? ... that wig for heaven's sake? No offense little Suri, but there are more important things happening ... . How do we even know that it's you dear Suri? I mean, in some pics you look like a little asian baby

3:38 pm  
Anonymous Tanya said...

Max - freezing eggs is extreme because it is putting the responsibility on the woman rather than the man. Men should get off the sidepost and try and stay interested so their wife doesn't leave them for someone who can. Laziness is to blame really. Men need to wisen up quick and by women freezing their eggs that ain't going to help the problem today now is it?

3:55 pm  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

The GP on the BBC this morning said that the actual % of babies born from frozen eggs is very small--it's not the same as freezing embryos, which have a much higher success rate. Apparently ice crystals form in the delicate egg cells rendering them useless.

The charletans selling this false hope are cashing in on the fears of childess career women. Gosh isn't it easy to scare us?

5:13 pm  
Anonymous art said...

" these self righteous comments from men that deep down they want a complicated woman are all fiction."

Obviously surrounded on a daily basis by the exact kind of insecure indidviduals that create this kind of discussion. Question is surely you add to, prepetuate and ultimately end up creating these issues by adopting these ideals?

so who ends up creating the problem in the end, is it the male worried about you outgrowing them or is it your conditioned response that renders any thoughts we would have otherwise being rendered useless anyway?

6:30 pm  
Blogger Jon said...

I don't think it's likely that Suri is Chris Klein's kid, resemblance or not. Check out this post my wife did on it:

Just some thoughts :).

7:34 pm  
Blogger Shep said...

I wanna get me one a those....whatdyacallit...complicated women...

dey sounds like fun...

7:38 pm  
Blogger Nina Chadwick said...

CS, Weldon is old school, middle aged woman fodder! You've got it right and you know it. Happiness is a privilege and is defined by it's degrees.
I am also a closet snow patrol fan. I originally wrote them off in the 'miserable white boys' category (with keane and coldplay, embrace etc).
The fertility question is a tough one.

7:46 pm  
Blogger ems said...

I don't agree with the assumption a career woman equates to a complicated woman.

9:34 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Suri Cruise made her debut last tonight on the CBS Evening News With Katie Couric and not an alien ship in sight!

9:46 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

art, can you say that in English please?

9:48 am  
Anonymous Deborah said...

Chris Klein the biological father of Suri Cruise?? I want to agree City Slicker ... . In case you don’t remember, Suri’s announced April 18 birth was oddly undocumented - there were no hospital records or specifics. Where WAS Suri born?

9:51 am  
Anonymous Kim said...

City Slicker - top post and thanks for the Suri Cruise pictures which have surfaced, and the genetic ownership of the child can no longer be denied. Its SO obvious who the daddy is. It's Bjork! Oh you whimisical lil' elf!

Loving the blog :-)

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Blogger Dave said...

Thanks for introducing me to this fab song - it is now in a much-rotated playlist with Made up love song by The Guillemots, Hypnotised by Aberfeldy and The dark is rising by Mercury Rev. Thanks also for buying e-luv - hope you enjoy it.

1:59 am  

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